Richard:

“This is a really good start to the essay. Initially reading I thought to myself why would someone so young want to do such a thing. You did a good job with creating a broad opening that draws in the reader right away.”

“It is good that you didn’t completely write off social media and show the good side of what it brings to the table. It is always good to show both sides of the story.”

Paola:

“I think this helps the reader see what kids are doing in order to “look older” and prove as to why it’s wrong.”

Daniel:

“I like this introduction paragraph because it hooks the reader in with an issue regarding children and then associates that issue with the root problem of social media. One suggestion is to add a sentence in your transition into talking about social media. For example between ‘what happened to the awkward phase’ and ‘the impact of social media…’ you could say ‘I believe the internet has exposed children to information and communities that speed up their growth.'”

Sam:

“I think it would be compelling to reference something most people are familiar with, take Kylie Jenner for example, given the means (money) as a very young girl she had work done, one might say while she was in her awkward phase.”

“Here might be a better place to include a case that people are familiar with. It’s early on, but not in the intro.”